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I want this not just to be a definition but more or less my experience with living with emetophobia. What has helped, what hasn't helped, and what I’ll do going forward with this diagnosis.
Early Years:
So, growing up I always showed signs of emetophobia. I mean, I remember a year when I was like 8-9 and every night before sleeping the only thing on my mind was, “What if I got sick or ill, what if I got nauseous, and what if I had to vomit.” This didn’t affect my day-to-day life, but it did later on in some aspects because I'd avoid substances like alcohol or weed because they could cause nausea or vomiting. On top of this other medications I noticed impacted me. Meaning whenever I had to switch antidepressants or anxiety meds, I would get very very scared, anxious, and nauseous. In 2022, I smoked weed for the first, and last, time assuming that this would help the anxiety and all the fear I'm experiencing now because it was getting so out of hand so quickly.
Breaking Point:
I ended up smoking, in February of 2022, had fun for about 5 minutes, then had one of my worst panic attacks to date. I’m 19 now so I was 17 during this experience. I had to throw up, go to bed that night, and then the following day I created rules for myself which was interesting such as restricting types of foods such as gluten, eggs, and dairy, then I'd later be on a low fodmap diet because of my doctor and the stomach issues I was presenting. So, quite heavy restrictions. I ate just about chicken, steak, potatoes, rice, gluten-free breads, and cereals but very little variety in my diet. So, not only, did it affect my eating habits but from then on, in the scary experience that I endured, I avoided school and social events pretty heavily because they could trigger my nausea and vomiting (which were both common symptoms of my anxiety) and my emetophobia would react and I would have a panic attack. I’d distract myself through technology, video games, being outside, or anything that stopped the panic and distracted my mind. Around this time, I started meditating very consistently, maybe 2 hours or more a day.
ER Trip #1:
I decided I had to go to the ER for CVS (cyclic vomiting syndrome) because I could not stop throwing up due to the scar I developed in my esophagus. I was told it was just anxiety because the tests they ran were inconclusive. So I journaled, read, meditated, went on walks, and watched movies throughout the day and that was about it. This entire process or just isolating, waiting for the scar to heal would last far longer than it should’ve because I just assumed it was still there and affecting me. Psychologically and physically I'd still show a lot of the signs that I previously would with the scar, that being very impacted by acid reflux, nausea, anxiety, and vomiting. All of this pretty much would be on my mind 24/7 and I continued isolating pretty heavily. I decided to get my associate's degree in high school online in 2022.
Western Washington University:
I chose to go to WWU where I’d decided to become a philosophy and psychology major purely to better understand my condition and what I was going through. I just wanted to find out more about myself so that I could potentially cure myself. In going to WWU, I noticed pretty quickly, that’d be one of the hardest things I’d have to adjust to. At first, moving into the dorms, I'd get extremely nauseous and at this point, I had already lost a lot of weight. I was still making these restrictions and getting food at the cafeteria at school, which was very challenging because public eating was something that I avoided pretty heavily. So, the first 3-4 months of school I'd take a to-go box they offered and I’d eat the food in my dorm, which was still challenging with my roommate right there and public restrooms were the only space where I could have an escape in a scenario in which I needed to throw up. I ended up staying in school for a year, went from 95 lbs (and this is at me being 18 and 5’8 at the time) to a highest of 120 lbs, and then came home over the summer, dropped (because of med changes) a good 15 lbs again. meaning I’d be at 105 lbs.
Summer of 2023:
I instantly knew over the summer I needed to figure this out. I’d make it my mission to do what I needed to do to figure out what was going on with my chronic issues. I started going to therapy, acupuncturists, and doctors (both naturopaths and other doctors), I'd get prescribed many different meds by my GI doctor which scared me. So, I continued on that journey, got no relief throughout this summer, and then due to a medication change I ended up very very ill and had panic attacks about 4-5 times a day and became very paranoid. I knew the road that I was following would lead to a pretty poor destination if I didn’t make another change (meaning I’d probably develop more psychiatric illnesses or physical illnesses).
ER #2:
I ended up going to the ER for a second time over the summer. There, I would be treated very poorly for three days in the hallway being told, for the second time at the ER, that it was all just anxiety. Which in a way it was, but they would not give me the meds I needed to be stable (which were my antidepressants and nausea medication). I had already shown pretty extreme signs of OCD with my eating disorder ARFID (avoidant restrictive food intake disorder) and emetophobia. At this point, I had already established a ritual where I had to shower in the morning, take my meds on time, eat certain foods, etc, or else my day(s) following would be ruined. I’d feel horrible through psychosomatic symptoms or just physical symptoms. At the ER, after not eating for days at that point, finally, I got transferred to a psychiatric unit (aka psych ward) where I would be for about 2 weeks. I’d meet tons and tons of people going through some pretty extreme things. That was the first time I’d get an official diagnosis of ARFID but that was about it.
ERC:
As soon as I got that diagnosis (ARFID) I understood that the best possible route for me was to go to ERC (Eating Recovery Center) in Washington. There, I could add back the food I had restricted and gain back the weight that I needed which was now the most obvious first layer to the solution. I didn’t realize I was emetophobic in the slightest at the time. I'd be in residential care for a total of 6 months where I’d attempt to prove to others what I was going through for them to realize. This is very very traumatic for me emetophobia, adding back the foods I ‘couldn’t’ eat prior (other than dairy) after months of arguing and discussing things with my dietitian for months. I would gain a total of 40lbs here meaning I’d be at 145lbs+ leaving ERC. I would have been on feeding tubes twice because eating so much made me nauseous which terrified me. Those feeding tubes would last probably 3-4 months in total. So, I came out of ERC in late January of 2024, probably a bit worse mentally than I was when I arrived there but I could eat the foods I couldn’t prior but still couldn’t go to social events, school, or get a job.
Returning Home:
I realized this after going back to WWU for a week and experiencing extreme discomfort with nausea and vomiting. I’d choose to go home, apply to Evergreen, and figure out my outpatient care now that I was home. I’d establish a therapist, dietitian, psychiatrist, doctor, and GI doctor to this point. I decided for the second time that this would again be my primary focus (with my parents still pushing school and work.) Currently, this is about 6 weeks back from ERC when I'm writing this. I’d get diagnosed by my GI with CVS (cyclic vomiting syndrome) and I’d get diagnosed with emetophobia by my therapist for the first time. It was just amazing that I hadn’t heard of either of these diagnoses in the two years that I’ve looked for one 24/7 because I was so paranoid and wanted to know what was happening to me (more than just anxiety). So, here I am, 6 weeks after ERC thinking about going to Evergreen, having my diagnosis of emetophobia for about three days now, making huge strides and huge progress. But overall I wanted to make this video to show awareness for these conditions and other people who are struggling with emeteophobia and to show the impact that it has made in my life. I wasn’t able to avoid emetophobia in any way or another because of my nausea and vomiting that persisted. This was very challenging because the human body is always able to have access to these basic human functions. So I literally could not run from the thing I feared the most and I also had absolutely no clue how to get relief from it.
Going Forward:
Even now, I know exposure therapy (obviously because I’ve been exposed to nausea and vomiting) doesn’t work and I’m still working on this pretty intensely with my outpatient team. I realize now it was never about nausea and vomiting but more the idea of being out of control and powerless to these functions. It was my OCD Like behaviors, perfectionism, and high standards that didn’t allow me to experience them because it would conflict with who I thought I was as a person. It was very very challenging.
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